a day in the life of a dasha birkina

It’s an amazing feeling to be cared about. <3

And to totally be ripping through everything in Nightmare difficulty in Diablo 2.

I’m so hipster, the music I listen to comes from hell.

Kay, first real tumblr post in a while. o: Therapy actually isn’t as bad as I initially thought it would be. All the people there are like my family now. I don’t wanna leaave. D: Or maybe I just wanna hang out with them after we’re all out. But yeah I’m not graduating next week, I’m graduating in three weeks. They want to keep me for another module because they think I’ll benefit from it. -shrugs- At least I get to stay with the awesome peeps there. : D First 10 week-er, hoo hah.

Besides that, school is over next week, yay. Then I’m going to SoCal with my parents right after therapy that Friday (as in we’re heading straight to SoCal from the building). Gah it’ll be tiring as hell but I’m stoked. I get to hang out with my parents and hopefully get along with them. :3

Sigh. Life is weird. Outpatient programs are weird. Emotions are annoying. The end. Thanks.

that's your problem right there. you feel like you dont want to burden others so you keep everything bottled and you keep telling them that it's fine. so in a way you dont want anyone to help you because you feel like they're doing too much for you. you cant expect to go to bed and wake up feeling better, thoughts dont work like that. you must start spilling things out to your therapist or someone that can help. just hoping you'll get better won't do any good.

sorry, it’s taken like a thousand years to respond to you. I actually overdosed and ended up in the hospital because of all of my emotional baggage, and I’m in an outpatient program that’s helping tons. you’re definitely right. keeping everything bottled up is the worst possible thing for me.

ibeliveinstars:

reblogging because I never actually thought this would get notes at all o_o

kiruumachi:

MYAAH.

maybe you're not accepting the help. you keep telling yourself that it's not working and the fact that although you're seeking help, you try to push yourself away from it. you need to let other people into your situation so they can help.

Whenever I try to talk to people, it’s hard because I can’t express my emotions. And I usually don’t want to bother people with my problems because I feel as if I’m burdening them with things they shouldn’t care about. I do want people to help but sometimes it feels hopeless anyway.

have you sought counseling or medication?

Yeah, counseling didn’t help much but medication is sort of a scary idea for me. >___>

[Flash 10 is required to watch video]

and then came this
love Rammy twice as much <3

im sorry that you feel that way. i hope you find your happiness soon.

This is a late response, but I’m answering now cause if I answered before it would’ve been a response based on emotion. Thank you for your concern.

[Flash 10 is required to watch video]

oh god Rammy, I love you

Ugh. This weekend has been a living hell.. don’t want to go to school tomorrow and I don’t think I can handle anything else emotionally..

Good night. :/

What, now my mom expects an apology for making her upset by saying I don’t want to talk to her when I’m depressed? Seriously? Jesus christ stop turning everything around on me!! I don’t need to apologize for my emotions.

sorrows and sorries.

You know what? Regardless if this goes on facebook, regardless of my hands being so numb I can’t type, regardless of me being able to write this elsewhere, somewhere more private, here it is. Here’s everything.

I’m sorry that I can’t do anything to help the way I am. I just get so emotional and trust me, I don’t want to be like this either. But I don’t know, is this the only way you can finally realize what to do? That this whole.. thing… maybe I shouldn’t call it a “thing”. This whole experience means so much to me, so much more than the world. I would give up anything for these feelings, and call me a fool, I know I am one and it won’t hurt to be reassured of this fact.

Sorry, it’s a bit difficult to write this. Not just the fact that my hands are still frozen, but that I don’t know how to describe any of this. I’m basically trying to write out my life, the meaning behind me being alive right now, sitting here and typing all this up. This has been my priority for so many years, and I can’t let it go unknown any longer. I want everybody to know how I feel, I want people to see this emotional side of me so I wouldn’t have to keep it inside. But I can’t.

I apologize for myself, for my existence. I apologize for any wrongdoings of mine. I apologize for my unwanted presence at times. Most of all, I apologize for not being one to be loved. I’m sorry that I can’t change myself, no matter how much I want to. I will never find all these feelings of happiness inside of me. It even seems ridiculous to type, because deep inside, it’s true. Music? Sure, I like music, but it won’t make me happy. Temporarily, happiness might surface, but it’s not real. Real happiness for me lies somewhere far away, somewhere I will never reach it, because of the person that I am.

I don’t care if you think that I’m being over-dramatic. This is who I am, who I will be, or maybe who I was, at some point in the future. Again, I apologize for everything, and I’m sorry I’m myself.

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